


will i recover

by AlexiaBlackbriar13



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Anti Barry Allen, Anti Kara Danvers, Baby Mia Smoak, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Not Really Character Death, Oliver Queen's Funeral, Oliver isn't really dead but everybody thinks he is, POV Felicity Smoak, Post Crisis On Infinite Earths, post 7x22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 00:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18840391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexiaBlackbriar13/pseuds/AlexiaBlackbriar13
Summary: set post-7x22, post-crisis on infinite earthsFelicity hates it. She hates this funeral and she hates the gravestone and she hates everything about this. Because her husband may be thought to be dead in this universe, but she knows for certain that he is alive. None of the heroes who stood by Oliver’s side, claiming to be his friends and allies, seem to care that there’s no real evidence that Oliver is dead.felicity reveals the true depth of oliver's sacrifice to the people he 'died' to save





	will i recover

**Author's Note:**

> 7x22 fucked me up guys
> 
> these fics are therapy for me
> 
> im really angry at barry and kara at the moment

Oliver Queen’s funeral is held on a sunny Monday in the old Queen mansion grounds, a week after the crisis plaguing the multiverse is ended and reality as they know it is saved. It also happens to be a day after Oliver and Felicity’s second wedding anniversary, but nobody else seems to care about that. Despite the cheery weather, the mood is somber and miserable. There’s no body to be buried, no ashes to be scattered - just Oliver’s broken bow on a pedestal in front of a gravestone that STAR Labs insisted on paying for, with the inscription, _Beloved son, brother, husband, and father, Hero of Star City, The Green Arrow._

Felicity hates it. She hates this funeral and she hates the gravestone and she hates everything about this. Because her husband may be thought to be dead in this universe, but she knows for certain that he is alive. None of the heroes who stood by Oliver’s side, claiming to be his friends and allies, seem to care that there’s no real evidence that Oliver is dead. They’ve just accepted that he’s gone, wanting to move on with their lives.

But Felicity can’t move on. Not when she knows her husband is out there somewhere, waiting for her. Not when she’s raising their baby, their beautiful daughter Mia, alone.

She stands in the front row of the crowd and recites a soulful yet empty speech she has rehearsed in the mirror for days now, repeating some of Oliver’s last words to her and portions of his wedding vows. She cries, but feels hollow. Team Arrow stands with her, John at her side and holding her hand.

Lyla so graciously agreed to watch over Mia in the car while the ceremony is happening. Mia is still a well-kept secret - nobody besides the Diggles and Laurel from Earth 2 know about her existence - and they want to keep it that way. The Ninth Circle, although they’ve retreated underground, are still out there and a very present threat. Besides that, Felicity is not afraid to admit that she selfishly wants to keep her and Oliver’s daughter all to herself. She can’t wait to get back to the three-month-old and cuddle with her for the rest of the day, murmuring secrets into her soft hair about her daddy actually being alive, about this - the funeral - being the only option because how else are they going to explain Oliver’s absence from this universe?

William isn’t here. Felicity spent weeks trying to track down the Claytons and when she finally found them, on the other side of the country with changed names and new lives, they told her that she wasn’t allowed to see William. Even when she told them that Oliver was dead - _a lie_ \- and that William deserved to know, William’s grandparents told her that he wanted to cut off all ties, that William wouldn’t be happy to see her. That if Felicity told him about his father’s death, she would just be deepening his pain. She left, feeling as if another shard of her heart was being torn from her. She has no doubt that William has heard about Oliver’s ‘death’ by now. It was broadcasted on international news the other day. She wonders how he must feel. She wonders if he even considered coming to the funeral. The media said it was private and invitation only, but Felicity made sure that William’s grandparents knew the time and location, in case William decided he wanted to come. He must not have, because he hasn’t turned up.

Sara, Barry, and Kara give eulogies, but Felicity leaves halfway through the speedster’s, engulfed by rage. Sara's speech is beautiful and heartfelt, but Kara's is bright and hopeful - almost _too_ bright and hopeful, so that it sounds condescending. Barry's is straight up bullshit and focused more on himself than Oliver. Kara and Barry have no idea of the depth of Oliver’s sacrifice and have taken it for granted. They speak pretty words about Oliver finally stepping out of the darkness into the light, laying down his life to save them all and taking a stand as a hero, but it just makes Felicity angrier.

They never believed in Oliver the way she did. They never loved him for the man he truly was at heart - selfless and kind and humble - and they will never understand who Oliver Queen really was. Oliver has always been a hero, and stepped into the light years ago. His sacrifice had nothing to do with taking a stand as a hero, and everything to do with protecting his friends and family; protecting his wife and children. Kara and Barry will get to go home to their loved ones after this. Oliver won’t.

She takes Mia from Lyla’s arms, hugging her baby girl to her chest, desperately trying not to break out into sobs. Lyla leaves Felicity with a light squeeze to her arm to go and join her husband in saying goodbye. Felicity sits in the back of the car with Mia on her lap, whispering to her daughter that her daddy loves her and not to believe what everybody tells her in the future about him being dead. Three months old, Mia doesn’t understand. But she must catch on to the melancholy atmosphere outside and the cracked and shattered tone of Felicity’s voice, because she doesn’t fuss, or cry, or babble. She curls up in her mother’s arms, silent and chewing on the sleeve of her green bear onesie.

After another thirty minutes, the people begin to disperse. They slowly trail away, departing the grounds. The funeral is over. Once the crowds have gone, Felicity sees through the car window that there are only half a dozen or so people left behind: Team Arrow, Kara, Barry, and Sara. They stand quietly over Oliver’s headstone. Felicity sees their mouths moving as they talk to one another, sees tears on their cheeks and tissues in their hands, and she feels a deep, clenching rage in her chest that makes her want to scream until she’s hoarse. Mia, sensing her mother’s anger, releases a faint whimper and nuzzles into Felicity’s neck.

Team Arrow eventually leaves as well. Barry, Kara, and Sara remain. John and Lyla join her in the car, fractured and heartbroken expressions on their faces. John asks quietly if Felicity is ready to leave, and she tells him no. Before either John or Lyla can protest, Felicity is stepping out of the car, adjusting Mia in her arms and pulling her little hood up to protect her head from the cold breeze. If Kara and Barry are going to appreciate Oliver’s sacrifice for them, they have to know precisely what he was sacrificing, and that includes his daughter. She knows that they as well as Sara can keep a secret, and she knows that they will keep it, if they value their lives and have any respect for Oliver and her - if they’ve _ever_ had any respect for them.

Kara, Barry, and Sara have their backs to Felicity as she approaches them from behind. Sara is the first to notice her presence, and when she turns to face her, her eyes immediately widen in shock when she sees Mia in Felicity’s arms. The shock fades to confusion, and then slowly morphs into horror and dismay. Steeling herself, Felicity pushes through Kara and Barry so she can stand directly in front of her husband’s grave. She hears their gasps, can guess what surprised and sad looks must adorn their faces.

Mia makes a small, distressed sound, clenching her tiny hand into Felicity’s coat as the blonde slowly lowers herself to the ground, sitting cross-legged on the damp grass with the baby on her thighs.

“Say hi to Daddy, sweetheart,” Felicity said softly, reaching out with one hand to brush her fingers over the stone. Mia whimpers, raising her hands to her mouth to start chewing anxiously on her onesie again. “I know, Mia, you miss him. I miss him too. I miss him every day.” Her voice cracks and falters, and she finally lets the tears brimming in her eyes fall. It feels stupid, saying all this to Oliver’s gravestone when she knows he’s alive, but has no idea if she’ll ever get to see him again or if he’ll ever return to them. “He loves you so much, baby girl. He told me to tell you that he loves you every day when he said goodbye. Daddy loves you so much.”

“Felicity.” Barry sounds like he’s on the verge of crying too. Felicity wants to hit him. He doesn’t get to cry. It’s her husband that they’ve just lost. “We didn’t know…”

_We didn’t know Oliver has a daughter._

“You weren’t meant to,” she tells him, defeated. “Nobody is meant to know.”

“Then why?” Kara says. “Why tell us - why _show_ us?”

Felicity stands, lifting Mia up with her and propping the baby on her shoulder. “Because Oliver sacrificed his life so that the two of you could live, and you would never know the true meaning of that sacrifice if you didn’t know what life he was losing. After this, the two of you are just going to go back to your normal superhero lives. You won’t forget that Oliver gave his life to save you, but you will forget that it wasn’t just that - his _physical life_ \- that he sacrificed. He lost the chance to live his happily ever after with me and our family. He lost the chance to get custody of his son back. He lost the opportunity to raise his daughter. Oliver will never get to see his children grow up and he will never be able to grow old with me.”

She shakes her head, stroking her hand down Mia’s back.

There’s a beat of frigid silence before she forces herself to continue.

“You never had faith in him as a hero before this crisis. You lord yourselves over the rest of us who want to help and save the universe, as if you are somehow better than us because you’ve had all this power and greatness thrust upon you. Oliver never needed powers or greatness. He never even needed recognition. He just wanted to make his city and this world a safer place for his family and children. He was the most selfless out of everybody. And you will never appreciate that, because you took him for granted when he was alive. But I’m sure as _hell_ not going to let you take his sacrifice for granted now he’s gone.”

“He was the best of us,” Sara says quietly. “He was and he always will be.”

A pleading tilt to his voice, Barry responds, “We know that, Felicity. We know what he sacrificed for us. But Oliver wasn’t the only one of us to suffer and lose people, Kara and I have lost people too -”

“Barry, don’t,” Sara warns him.

“But Barry’s right,” Kara says. “The two of us have suffered just as much as Oliver has in the past.”

“And it’s not like we _asked_ Oliver to sacrifice himself for us,” Barry adds. “He’s just like that by nature, you can’t blame Kara and me for that. We didn’t expect him to do this.”

Sara stares at him, looking appalled. “ _That’s_ your argument for this?”

Felicity is, sadly, not surprised by any of this. “My husband died to save your life, and the only thing you can say is that you didn’t ask him or expect him to. That says a lot more about _your_ character than Oliver’s.”

Barry and Kara immediately try to start arguing with her, but Felicity doesn’t hear the rest of their statements, because she wheels around and walks away. She’s disappointed, but honestly, it’s what she expected. Focusing on tugging on Mia’s onesie, as it bunches up around her armpits, she faintly hears Sara snapping at both Kara and Barry and the other two heroes snapping back. Seconds later, Sara is at her side, a hand on Felicity’s back, guiding her back towards the car, where John and Lyla are standing, leaning against the doors and waiting for her.

“If you need anything, just ask,” Sara tells her solemnly. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you. And Mia.”

“I need my husband back,” Felicity says, exhausted. “I need Mia and William’s father back.”

Sara’s eyes drop to the ground. “I’m sorry, Felicity. You know I would if I could, but -”

“Fixed points and preserved timelines. I know.” Shifting Mia onto her other shoulder, she pulls Sara into a hug. The embrace is one she’s desperately needed. “Thank you for everything you said about Oliver today. You’re a great friend.”

“Ollie was destined to be the greatest hero the multiverse has ever seen from the very start,” Sara replies. “He didn’t need to come into the light, or whatever bullshit Barry and Kara were saying. He had that light inside him all along. It was buried when he came home from Lian Yu, but you liberated it. It’s because of you and your love that he embraced his calling. You opened up his heart, Felicity.” She smiles sadly. “I’m sure wherever he is right now, in the afterlife or _somewhere_ , he’s smiling down at you.”

Felicity nods, her throat too thick for her to respond. “Say goodbye to Auntie Sara, Mia,” she whispers, her voice barely audible. Mia looks at her, confused, so Felicity took hold of one of her little hands and raises it in a wave to Sara. “There we go, honey.”

“It was nice to meet you, Mia.” Sara bites her lip when the baby catches her waggling finger in her fist. “I’m guessing you don’t want anybody else finding out about her?”

“No. There’s always criminals and supervillains lurking around the corner… I don’t want her in danger. Oliver made me -” She swallows back her sobs. “Oliver made me promise before he left to keep her safe.”

“I’ll go speak to Kara and Barry again… swear them to secrecy. She’ll be safe.”

“Thank you.”

“Take care, Felicity,” Sara says, her voice warm.

When Felicity gets back to the car and slides into her seat next to Lyla, she settles back and squeezes her eyes shut, finally giving in to the tears. John and Lyla don’t say anything as they begin the long drive back to Bloomfield - they just offer her tissues and water and snacks and anything and everything else. Felicity is too tired to feed Mia so Lyla takes her, feeding the baby using one of the bottles they packed before coming here. They ask her if she wants anything, and she bites back her response that she wants Oliver, because she saw how Sara’s expression crumpled when she said a similar thing to her earlier, and Lyla and John are hurting enough today; she won’t deal them another blow when they’re already so fragile.

Mia naps when they finally get home. Felicity sheds her black funeral clothes, shuddering, and simply pulls on shorts and one of Oliver’s old Henleys. None of his clothes smell like him anymore, because she’s worn all of them more than once. Even though she hasn’t washed any of them, his scent has faded over time. She misses his musky, earthy smell of sandalwood and leather and sage.

She misses every part of her husband.

Felicity pours herself a glass of red wine, drinks it, pours herself another, and then decides she needs something stronger. Lyla and John are staying the night, so she can afford to get a little drunk. She just doesn’t want to feel anything anymore, and she knows from experience that alcohol makes her feel numb. She won’t drink so much that she can’t take care of Mia, but she can drink enough that she stops wanting to claw her heart out and scream into the night until her vocal cords are wrecked. She pulls out the bottle of orange blossom tequila that she and Oliver brought back from Aruba and saved for special occasions. Oliver’s funeral counts as a special occasion, right? It doesn’t matter, anyway. He’s not here to tell her whether or not she can drink it.

She’s pleasantly buzzed when Mia starts crying, waking up from her nap. Lyla and John stand to go and deal with her, but Felicity shoves past them, muttering under her breath that she can look after her daughter by herself without any help, thank you very much, she’s not _that_ much of a failure of a mother.

Mia quietens when Felicity picks her up, sniffling into the Henley’s collar. She wraps the baby up in a blanket and takes her out onto the porch so they can sit under the stars together for the rest of the evening. The tequila doesn’t interest her anymore, but this does. Felicity remembers how she and Oliver used to do this almost every night when she was pregnant with Mia - enjoy each other’s company, pointing out constellations and relaxing in the silence of the night.

The baby falls asleep, and Felicity does as well.

She wakes up in bed with Mia in her cot beside her, obviously moved by John and Lyla last night. Her head pounds, but it’s not quite a hangover, so Felicity downs the glass of water and pills that were left on her nightstand for her and kisses Mia good morning, taking her out into the kitchen for breakfast. Coffee makes her headache worse, but Felicity doesn’t care. She’s dealt with worse pain before - and nothing will be worse than the agony she went through when she lost Oliver.

The funeral was yesterday, and today - she has to move forward. For the sake of her health, and for the sake of her daughter. For the sake of a potential future where she might be reunited with her husband again.

It’s what Oliver would want.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed
> 
> twitter: @lexiblackbriar  
> tumblr: @alexiablackbriar13


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